To Tomorrow

I was sick.A very simple truth that I denied to accept during last few years but instinctively knew. Not some kind of "take-your-pills-and-it's-ok" or "surgery-and-survive" sickness. Something more sinister, more diffused through my body.Maybe even my through soul.One more time I read the e-mail that I was going to send to my boss. I really wanted to talk to him in the face, but it was not possible since he was in Italy and it would take at least one more week till he returned, and I didn't want to wait that much.I wasn't sure if I had that much time.While checking what I have written, I was trying to make sure I wasn't accusing him or my job between the lines for my sickness. The long years, all my youth I spent during office hours, tense businness meetings, diplomatic fights, dangers, worries... As if there was no tomorrow I had buried myself to my work, and now... there was no tomorrow.Maybe it was true, maybe the real reason was my job, and the heavy load it had on my mind and body. But I didn't want to leave behind a sorry boss. He was a good man. As good as a boss can get. Besides, I had insisted on the job, and I always had the chance to go away but chose to stay. No reason to find a scapegoat for my own mistakes.At least, this "job oriented" lifestyle had given me a great big loneliness. While it chewed out everything I had when I was young, at least there was no family to leave behind who would feel bad for loosing me. And I doubted my occational dates were going to notice I was gone.It was then I realized I was 29. Was 29 supposed to be old? Without more thoughts I pressed the send button, and I noticed that I had actually asked my boss if 29 was supposed to be old. One final sentence under "Best Regards; Arc." Doctor had told me I could become absent minded, but I didn?t expect this to start that early.Right after leaving the office, I began driving to the village I was born as I wanted to arrive there early in the morning. My grandmother, grandfather, and my mother were all buried there, where they were also born. It was almost a family tradition that pregnant women returned to our small village to give birth to their children, and they were buried there when they died, to our family burial grounds. Only my father was absent from this picture, as he was buried in his own homeland. I wanted to return there because I wanted to save people from carrying my corpse all the seven hundred kilometers to "Crossville" in the middle of this hot summer.When I graduated from university eight years ago, our office building was a single-flat cute building. It had changed many times during the flow of years and it finaly became an eight story luxury office building. The village however, had not changed one small bit since I was born. The same roads laid between the same green hills and the same stud welcomed me as I drove by. Horses were free on their courts, grouped together here and there in fours or fives. They all looked healthy and noble, their manes shiny under the morning sun. One of the young ones noticed me as I slowed down and finally stopped my car to look at them. She ran close to the fence to stare back at me. Lowering my window, I said "Hi."She was looking at me with clever, bright eyes. It was a beautiful animal, and I remembered how much I wanted to ride a horse when I was younger..."Hi" she said! I was surprised for a second but remembered what the doctor had told me. The apple-sized thing in my brain could lead to hallucinations and imaginary sounds. With what was left of my sanity, I decided to make use of this chance to talk with a horse."You are very beautiful" I said back. "Your hair, smooth and shiny. You have wonderful legs, and a nice back. I really would have liked to ride you...""What!" she screamed. Then I noticed her voice was coming from the other side. Turning my head to see, I came face to face with a young woman. She had short, dark hair and was looking at me angrily as she stood on the other side of my car."Oh! sorry... I just thought... I..." Suddenly I noticed it was impossible to explain what has happened in a meaningfull way, so I just went straight through it."I thought I was talking with the horse."She just stared at me without saying anything, and it was impossible for me to make out what she was thinking. When I tried to read her by looking into her eyes, all I could do was to adore her beautiul face. Her short hair was showing her fragile but noble neck, and her lips were so full and moist. And her eyes, though carrying a little bit of anger thanks to her knit eyebrows, was dark and had hints of sorrow buried somewhere.She was about 1.70, and was wearing a jockey's outfit. White pants, dark green shirt, a brown jacket and the white gloves.I noticed that she was not going to talk and I decided to free her from my trouble."Well, sorry."But when I decided to drive forth, she spoke."Just a second." I stopped."This is Delilah you were speaking" she was pointing the white horse which was still standing there looking at me. "She has a tendancy to race with the cars moving in this road, but she is limping since this morning. I noticed that and came here to see what was wrong with her so that I could take her to barn. escort beylikdüzü But you are early. Now I don't want her to race with you if she has a serious trouble, but I also don't want to make you wait till I check her too. Would you be kind enough to drive slowly until the end of this road? I will check her when you are gone ok?"I looked at the animal; she looked healthy. But even though I had graduated as a veterinary, I never practiced it so I felt that I could be wrong."Ok... but I can wait until your check is over. And my car would be blocking the way so no other vehicle passes by and distracts her as you do your inspection.""Well, thank you." she said and walked around my car to the fence. Delilah moved to her with anticipation. I watched her as she passed between the beams of the fence and cuddled the horse, speaking soft and tender words. I noticed how professionally she moved her hand around the animals body as she petted it, slowly moving towards her legs. I tried to remember the pattern of inspection, but my mind was distracted by the beauty of this girl?s outlines. She was... beautiful. So natural, so graceful as she walked around; unlike any "businesswomen" I have met. She was really feeling for the animal, and when I compared that to the fake smiles and fake frankness of women I knew from job, I felt happy.I got off my car and shouted. "Just try to make her walk slowly a little bit""Really? You know about horses?" she was smiling with a roguish smile. I heard the hints of scorning in her voice but understood that. She probably thought I was impatient. In fact, I was quite the opposite."Yes. I am a veterinary."She stopped at that and threw a look at me."You are not from this village are you?" she asked."I am. But you are not.""Really?" she spoke thoughtfully. "Then how didn't I see you ever once?""I... haven't been here for a long time.""It must be at least eight years then." she said.I thought on that. Last time I was here was for a marriage... Some distant relative was getting married in our traditional way."Eleven years ago, when I was young."She threw another quick look at me"So you are old now?"I didn't want to talk on that."Just make her walk a little and watch her head." I said. "If there is a problem in the head you understand it by the legs, and if there is a problem in the legs you understand it by the head.""Come on, lilah..." she said, walking away a little bit, her hand reaching back as if she was going to give something to the horse. The obedient animal followed her and I watched her head. Delilah rythmically raised and lowered her head noticably at some point, and I noticed she did this as she was trying to raise her front left leg."Front left leg, higher flexor muscles" I said. And focusing at there I could see a small bulge. "It looks like a bee sting." I said.She stopped the horse and found it. "Well... you are right about this." She looked at me, smiling. "So you came here to stay?"I thought on that for a while."Yes... and no.""Oooo!" she said. "Mystery huh?"It was enough evidence for me to think that she was a veterinary too and she was a little bit worried of my stay, because I would be a competition. I wanted to ease her down. I didn't want anyone to have any single moment of troubled mind because of me."No. I will be around for a week I guess. Maybe a little bit more, I am not sure."Maybe I couldn't hide what I was feeling at that time well, because she seemed even more worried to hear that. I decided to leave her with Delilah."It was nice to meet you" I said, offering my hand for a shake. She quickly removed her glove and we shook hands."I'm Billie" she said."They call me Archy,""Archibald or something?" she smiled."Close." I said.Then Ieft her standing there as I drove off, but by my mirror I noticed she was looking behind me as I did.A few days I spent time with my relatives, who were surprised to see me. I have talked with the elderly ones about my sickness and my countable days left. Some women clearly stated their disappointment that I had disappeared from the family after my mothers death, but when they learnt about my sickness they quickly forgave me. I got bored of the pity in their eyes in no time, to a point of anger sometimes. But I had this obsessive purpose of "not breaking anyones heart" so I hid my thoughts to myself. Instead I began long trips around the land to stay away from their gazes.It was both a pleasure, and a source of regret all the time I walked around. The life itself was so different here, with people you could talk to without fear of being lied to, with plants you actually could touch, with flowers that really had a smell, with a silence full of natural sounds if you knew how to listen them. Everything here was too "real" compared to my office life. The tree was very strong and solid, compared to my office desk. The grass under my feet felt much more tender than my expensive carpet at home. The slight breeze that blew my hair was much more refreshing than my office air conditioner. Moving to every interesting spot I could see, whether a tree or a small pond or a rock with a distinctive shape, I felt as if I was like a caged animal who was set free escort akbatı again in his last days. I also felt like I was the last member of my species. Maybe because I didn't have a child. With my death, my part in universe was going to end completely. Yet I still didn't feel bad about this, and I didn't know the reason for that. There was no tomorrow, after all, and I didn't want to spend my last days swimming in useless regrets.And it happened.I was walking around again, but I was late this time and sun was going down; almost touching to the tip of the mountains in the horizon. The sight was really wonderful; the long and open plateu with small groves here and there, the green yards raising and falling like ocean waves as the wind blew over them. Yet I was far away from my relative?s house, which was going to take a few hours walking back. It was surely going to get dark, and it was hard to find your way when that happens around the village as there were no lights. Besides, it was very easy to get lost due to lack of streets and landmarks as I knew.So as I hurried back, I came across Billie again. She was on Delilah, and she smiled when she saw me. I took that as a good sign."Well well," she said "mysterious man, are you lost?""Not yet" I said.She moved Delilah near me and tapped on the back, inviting me to her saddle as she moved a little bit forth.I didn't tell her that I have never got on the saddle before, but taking care of each move I made, I succeeded pulling myself up behind her. The pyhsical contact with her body quickly showed it's effect on my "not-yet-so-dead" metabolism. I was suddenly overwhelmed by her smell. Not because she smelled like roses or anyhting, in fact I could scent her sweat. But there was also this tone of smell which could be described as "babies smell" or "a mother's chest". The way we sat was so pyshically intimate that I was ashamed to the point of being turned off at first. I could feel her legs on my thigh and I could feel her perfect ass on my groin. When I held her from behind off her waist, and when Delilah began to walk, the way we moved quickly set up a rythm of moving back and forth that terribly resembled something else.And with my imagination kicking in, I was having hard time preventing my ?growing attention? anymore. The constant friction with her soft bottom did not help either. I was so sure that she felt it in her back all as we were basically completely pressed together. And even though I felt this was terribly wrong, I couldn't stop myself from enjoying the feeling."Well, it seems you will not ask where I want to go." I could say."It's too late to return, isn't it?" She said. I could hear the tension in her voice, she was clearly aware of my sexual arousal and she was not enjoying this as much as I did. Yet she was trying to be helpfull. "So I am inviting you to stay at my cottage tonight."All my thoughts, all the flow of logical information in my mind was destroyed. I never was good at taking the girls out, and I clearly was not Brad Pitt or some kind of body-building champion. Quite the opposite, a thoughtfull thin man with a little hunch. So what was going on now?But I couldn't even think on that. Everything there; the sunset, the sound of the river we were trailing along, the birds singing their evening songs, the smell of the lady in my lap, the feeling of the animal between my legs... All those were always there maybe, but I felt like I could hear them saying something for the first time. I couldn?t understand the meaning, but I was definitely sure that it was the most soothing, most peaceful thing I ever experienced.And I was going to miss all of that. What a useless life I had lived... A wasted opportunity to meet, learn and enjoy the real world, which was the earth itself.I had no tomorrow in this earth.I hadn't noticed that we had stopped. I hadn't noticed that I was crying either. I was not making any sound, but my tears were following eachother and falling to Billie?s beautiful, naked neck. I suddenly realized my situation and tried to gather myself. I rubbed the tears off my eyes quickly. Damn. I was crying like a girl. So much for manhood and Y chromozome. Then I tried to find out why I was crying, or at which point I began to do so but I couldn't. I wondered if she had noticed. Maybe she thought the tears were my sweat?"It's ok" she said calmly. "I know about your sickness."Now, this was a surprise. She tried to look back as much as she could to look at me, leaning a little bit front as she did."This is a small village and people talk." she said."Well... I didn't cry out of fear or worries... It's just that... this is a very beautiful place, and everything is so real... I just noticed that I have wasted my entire life. I haven't touched the soil, I haven't... Well, basically I haven't done any thing that had to be done. Instead I followed stuporous deeds.""We all fight for our place in this world." she said, and I could hear something else hiding behind her words but I couldn't make it out. "It was not going to be a lot different if you were here. It quickly gets repetitive... admittedly, it's much better than a city life, but you are just idealizing this escort beylikdüzü at the moment."I thought that she might be right and told her so. She aproved and spoke."I stopped here to let you recover yourself. I don't want Donna to see you like that.""Donna?""My... housemate."I was too distracted to read between the lines. But I had recovered already."I'm fine now, thanks" I said.And a few minutes later we arrived at the possibly the prettiest cottage in the whole world. It was almost buried under a large mass of wines which had white flowers blossomed all over, but their tendrils were placed so well all around the house that they looked like a crown on it. A smiling, beautiful women greeted us as we approached, placing the flower pot in her hand to the window ledge."Welcome home" she said and I quickly liked her. She was blonde, a little bit tall but had a white skin, very hard to come by in a village. She had a very strong face, something similar to the mythological figures. Her smile was caring and intense, and in fact helped me to recover myself as we got off Delilah."Must be Donna," I said, shaking her hand."And you must be the mysterious Archibald."I just nodded."Billie has told much about you since four days." she said. I noticed this sentence had another tone, another meaning but my mind was too paralyzed to understand what it was.I looked at Billie to have a clue, but she seemed tense at best. Without saying a word she walked into the cottage, and I noticed Donna was getting on Delilah as I followed Billie."You leaving?" I asked."Yes." she said. "You two will need to be alone this night."At that point, I melted down and froze at the same time. But the formation in my mind couldn't complete itself as Billie was calling for me. I looked behind Donna and Delilah as they disappeared behind the strawberries.I moved in to see Billie putting wine on some glasses on a nicely decorated meal table. It was so beautifully organized that I couldn't look take my eyes off and have a look at the decoration inside the cottage. And the smell of food reminded me how hungry I was."Come, have a seat." Billie said. She seemed a little bit relaxed."Thanks." I said as sat and took a sip from the wine. I looked at her and noticed her mind was busy with something, probably trying to figure out how to begin."So you two live together" I said, and thus we began a long conversation of eachother. Every sentence she spoke gave the hints of a deep, kind soul; but also was a piece of a sorrowful story. I knew something was blocking the path of a river of words, and I hoped the questions I ask were going to help destroy this blockade.And it did. When she told what I sought, I was not surprised. I just felt sorry.She was a lesbian.And it was a hard life. She had met Donna and fell in love with her, and it was the first time she was welcomed with love. However, their families and friends did not like that a bit, and bad times began. But each hard decision, each sad reaction from someone, each personal insult brought them closer, and their love became even stronger. After graduating from school, Billie decided to move to a silent place, away from all the disturbing behaviour that they saw in every corner in the city. Donna aproved this decision, and further encouraged her by saying Billie had a wonderful head over her shoulders, and she was ready to go to hell with her if needed. Thus, they ended up here in my village. They were working very hard; Billie as a vet and Donna as an accountant in the government studd. Following years brought an economical crisis, and the government decided to shut down the place; but Donna was able to get in touch with some places and persuaded them to sell the place to Billie instead. So with whatever money they had in their hands, they purchased the studd. Most of the horses were sold, however they were able to keep a few important broods.But people here also were suspecting of things now, after eight years. These two ladies came in and helped them alot with their animals, however they did not respond to any of young men that tried to aproach them. Some people began to talk about how they saw the ladies hand to hand in an intimate way and such a thing was much more dangerous in a village society. So they were being very carefull to not give any more clues to anyone. After explaining these she fell silent, drinking more and more wine instead of speaking. She was drinking it fast. I decided to return the favor by telling about my own life, but my story took significantly shorter because it was full of "nothing". After some point I fell silent too. We ate what we could find on the table, we drank alot, and time flew by.Thinking to myself, I noticed that I liked her much, but I didn't know what to do about that. At best, she could have been a really good friend? if I had time. She was very intellectual, very beautiful, and charming even when she spoke of sad things.Perhaps she decided that she had drank enough, so suddenly she stood up and spoke what she wanted to, since the beginning of the night."Do you have any idea why I brought you here?"I was thinking on that for a while but didn't want to ruin the nice evening with that, and I apreciated she opened this up for us."I have some ideas, but I can't complete the picture. And besides? it was just a coincidence that you found me, right?"?Not quite? I was following you. I followed you yesterday too.??But why?? I really didn?t understood what was going on."You see we...